My Creations

2:29PM - grant me the strength

GOD! i tell ya
when it rains, it sure does pour.

I have lost...a lot actually
when i feel like it cant get any worse. it does and...
then i feel like i cant go anymore. i do

until later

2:35PM - spirit week sucks worse than a whore with false teeth!

oblivious to my surroundings
pleading that it stops
the ringing in my ears
their laughter
is like shrills
sending a chill
up and down my spine

the sight of them
in their bright colors
and their ridiculous attire
smiling as they walk
away from their BMWs
and their Volvos

the way they stare
and flash the fony smiles
as if they take pity upon me
as if they see me as
a lost cause
someone that daddy's bank account
could possibly help

if they only knew
i am so much more wealthy than them
my mother and i
in our two bedroom house
instead of sitting upon
a wad of paper

we sit upon a bundle
of love
as i am sleeping
i am warm in my bed...in
my not so large bedroom
my mother walks into my
room every night
it never fails

and as she stands over me
i feel her
and as soon as my eyes open
she kisses me and the cheek
i smile
and in that i am happy

"i love you baby girl"
"i love you too mama"
i mumble
she walks out and closes my door

so then i come to this bottomless pit
monday thru friday
and i see them
with their white smiles
and their artificially tanned skin
along with their bleached hair

i am disgusted by them
i wish bad things upon them
because i know they will go
places i only dream of because they have
the one thing in which this world revolves around

then i think...
i am perfectly fine
with what i have
a loving mother
who would sacrifice all for me
no matter the circumstances

i dont have a BMW
or a closet full of name brand clothes
but what i do have
is unconditional love

so i am better than them
and better than they will ever dream of!

3:25PM - she's just an...unfortunate fool

yeah i changed the words around
because its true
just unfortunate...and dumb as hell!!!!

shes back tho. in some way it would have pleased me to watch her fail. it would have allowed me to sleep better if she would have never come back. but hey, i never get what i want. i mean i know it sounds bad, but its the least that could happen to her since shes done so much bad shit to me right?

i am gettin sick

2:00AM - who da fuck you talkin to? not me! couldnt be me! nah not me!!!

im really fucked up and i am at lander with caroline, sarah, carlea, and james. i have had tons of fun.

i went to PC's homecoming game with carlea and my mom and it was...different than what i expected.

chapin whooped our asses today in cheerleading. WOW!!! they really really did. they are the most awesomest team ive ever seen. wow

you ever want somethings o bad it hurts? you just want to take it and you know that if you did, shit would just happen. bad shit i mean. i mean...well you can never get what you want so lemme quit whining about it.

caroline gave me this really pretty thingy and it said some really nice stuff and it made me feel really good and it also made me cry. i miss her so damn much. the little letter said all this stuff about friends being what they are and how much she loved me and valued our friendship. i love you c dub!

well im out to go smoke a p-funk and hopefully turn in or something. holla at a playa!!!

until later...

3:00PM - i know she loves the sunrise...

it is gettin hot again. what does this mean? is it the end of the world? not yet i hope...i want to go to college and become a successful doctor. then possibly get married and have lots and lots of...dogs!

2005 Varsity Competitive Cheer Class 2-AAA Region Champions! Go US!!!

i feel refreshed and relieved and free of stress and just wonderful. like i can breathe freely whereas before i felt like i was breathing through a straw. but she was the least of my problems. but hey...at least i got rid of one of them.

this weekend i am goin to pc's homecoming. the cheerleading coach gave me 3 free tickets because she wants me to come there and cheer. hmmm...

then we are going to lander university to spend the night with caroline and go to an international party. i cant wait. i am gonna have a blast.

i dont have to cheer tomorrow night...i may just cheer anyway since i dont have shit else to do. if something comes up then i wont but i doubt that will happen so i will probably be cheering tomorrow night.

i miss caroline...more than anything. my life seems meaningless without my partner in crime right beside me every step of the way.

me and adrian woke and baked this morning. it was pretty cool.

i have made the decision that to make everything easier on my family and myself, i will go to one of the three schools...UGA, UNC, USC. all three are close to home and all three have good cheerleading squads and they offer good money to the cheerleaders receiving scholarships.

well...im out for now. goin to practice so

until later...

12:31PM - i cant take this, i've come un-glued!

you ever just want it to all end?
just to make everything to go away? not fatally, just...peacefully.

if i could be reborn into another world i would. i would be born the same person i am with the same good and bad qualities...just somewhere else. somewhere where pain, physical and emotional, was just something that was read in story books. it just didnt exist. i wish this school year would be over with already. there is too much to wait on...to anticipate. there is too much that is unexpected and too much unpredicted. for once in my life, i have no idea what to do next.

i have no one to turn to...

i cant sleep at night. i toss and turn and cry and sniff and cough and cry and toss and turn some more. i cant sleep on the couch, i cant sleep in my bed, i cant even sleep in my moms bed and that is where i feel the most comfortable with her beside me. she is the only person in my life who has never deserted me or left me alone without any...anything. i cant even fall asleep with her body beside mine.

since thursday, i have gotten a total of 14 hours of sleep. not because i was out late or because i was up late partyin like old times. i just cant sleep anymore. there is too much on my mind.

my dad is supposedly having a baby girl. now it hurts even more

everything is so cold around me. everything

i've lost weight. too much in a short amount of time. it disgusts me to put food in my mouth. but i still have to wear the mask.

mama says i can talk to someone again. so i guess that means more pills. whatever

there is no point in fighting it. just go with it.

I just need this to be all right
I can't feel this another night

I can't take this I come unglued
I might breakdown in front of you
necessary to medicate
I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake

Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure

If you need me I'll be here
Half unconscious to escape my fear

I can't take this I come unglued
I might breakdown in front of you
necessary to medicate
I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake

Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure

My head hurts this shit isn't getting me high
My chest is so tight am I going to die
My stomach's in knots and the room starts to spin
As I wait for this valium to slowly kick in

Can't see through this
Too much pressure
Drowning in this
Too much pressure

until later...

2:21PM - "playin with my webpage somethin friends somthin" - T Ray

today is good...yesterday was good. who knows what tomorrow brings or the weekend for that matter. i just gotta live for the moment and try not to think about what tomorrow may bring me.
"nothin's ever promised tomorrow today"

well i really hope it warms back up before tomorrow night because i really am not feelin cheerin in the cold yet...i am not ready for that yet.

we are competing at clemson's little john colliseum and i am so damn excited!!!!!

this weekend is gonna be interesting.

you ever do something that was so bad and you know it but it felt so damn good that you went back for more? yeah i am sooooooo in that boat right now.
"why everything thats sposed to be bad make me feel so good? everything they told me not to is exactly what i would"
sorry i am so into quoting kanye today

my mommy and my uncle are walking me across the field friday nite. so for the record...the man walking me across the field is not my creep of an asshole dad!

boys confuse the hell outta me. i need a good guy friend that can help me better understand why the hell they do what they do or act the way they act. it sucks bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think i am just gonna give him an ultimatum and tell him that if he doesnt step it up and get his damn act together then we can no longer be anything because he is damn stressin me out!
and thats real!

until later peeps!

2:46PM - and the beat goes on

i wrote my dad an email
i sent him the lyrics to "Outside" by Staind because i feel those lyrics exemplify our relationship completely:

And you
Bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
And I leave
My burdens at the door

But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
It's for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It was from you
All the times
That I've cried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be OK

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

i then wrote him a brief letter after it and it read:

All I've wanted from you for 17 years was for you to be what you were supposed to be to me. That is all I've ever wanted. Yet you couldn't fulfill that simple desire because you are the person you are. I'm glad you feel you've made your peace with the Lord and that you are a better person now but I have to tell you that you aren't. I must say that you are even worse a person now because you claim to be all CHRISTIAN yet you are still the same person deep inside. For the past week, I have been expecting an apology from you for what you said to me Tuesday night. I am sure you expect an apology from me but I am not apologizing for a word I said because I meant every bit of it. I do hate you and I hate how you make me feel and how much of an impact you have on my life when you aren't even in the same state as I. I hate how I am gonna carry the feelings and emotions I have because of you for the rest of my life. I hate even more that you still can't admit to this very day that you have done nothing for me except have a hand in bringing me into this world. Oh yeah, you have helped me with about 3 or 4 papers that needed a true writer's touch. Other than that, you have done nothing but make me feel completely incapable of being loved. I ripped up my Florida State application because I can't go there without your residency and I want to have nothing to do with you for the rest of my life. But then I got another application because I have done perfectly fine without you for the past 17 and I don't need you now. I can go to my dream school no matter if I have you or not. Also, please give this child all of the things you never gave Dustin and me. Give it a father, much love, a shoulder to cry on, someone to depend on, and if it fucks up, it won't be your fault. That will be one huge difference. I am fucked up...terribly but the difference is, it is your fault! One more thing, don't tell it that it has another big sister because I don't wanna be a part of its life because I don't plan on talking to you ever again. For the rest of my life.

Thanks Reggie...for nothing.

Alicia

he hasnt written anything back or called me so he either got the message and doesnt care at all...or he just didnt read it because he didnt recognize the sender. so naturally i sent it again proving either that i am trying to be redundant so that he gets the point or that he just didnt look at the damn thing.
i meant every word of what i said and i wouldnt take it back if they paid me. i did lie about one thing tho...
i lied when i said i hated him. i dont...i love him way too much. that is the hard part and the part that makes me hate myself. it sucks because all i've ever wanted was for him to love me as much as i love him. and i hate myself for still loving him after 17 years of rejection from him. i dont understand why i cant just get over it and hate him as much as i say i do. but he is my dad...i just cant. i should but i cant. i do hate how he has fucked me up for the rest of my life. how do i expect (in the future) for some man to love and accept me when my own father couldnt do that? it means that i am a failure and that i am completely inadequate. and it is all because of him.

until later

2:11PM - its rainin its pourin

i hate this
i just hate it
i should have played volleyball this year
because we have to stinkin cheer at that damn football game in the fucking freezing ass rain!

i just wanna go to my damn car and smoke two packs of cigarettes. that would make me happy...temporarily.

its my best friends birthday this weekend and i have to spend my friday nite...yet again...cheering for a bunch of ungrateful football players.

we have a competition tomorrow that is quite important to us but no one thinks about us. just the goddamn football team. well at least we win state championships.

my twin baby cousins are comin into town yet i do not get a chance to spend time with them because of the damn football game. fuck this shit

so i havent heard from my dad since our most recent squabble. he is a dick and i hope he rots in hell for putting me thru all he has for my whole life. i hope the baby is okay tho.

me and him...we are good. finally! everything is working itself out. i guess our two lost souls conflicted with each other causing us to drift apart and to misunderstand each other. but after last night, all is well. we both made promises to stay in this and not give up no matter what happens. we care about each other.

i hate this damn school. i hate all the dumb ass mother fuckers in it.

god almighty i really dont wanna cheer tonight. AHHHH!!! my whole saturday is shot to hell because of praise dance practice and then the damn cheerleading competition. so i thought i would have tonight to party and get fucked up. but i dont. all because the world at greenville high school revolves around damn football players.

gah!!!!!

until later

2:12PM - my life has changed forever

ok tuesday afternoon when i was picking up traci from the airport with caroline, i get a phone call from my good friend that lives in Pensacola where my dad lives. conversation goes like this:
Micah: Hey baby! how are ya?
Alicia: I'm great, how are you?
Micah: Just great. i was thinkin about you and i decided to call
Alicia: aw why thanks babe!
Micah: i didnt know vicky was pregnant (vicky is my stepmom)
Alicia: hahahaha what??
Micah: vicky...i saw her at church and she is showing a lot
Alicia: you've got to be shittin me
Micah: oh you didnt know...im sorry. shes got to be at least 5 months alicia
Alicia: holy shit dude. my dad hasnt told me anything
Micah: dont tell him i told you please
Alicia: let me call you right back

Alicia: daddy, is there something i should know?
Daddy: what, that all black people were sent here to do is to be born stay black and die?
Alicia: no im serious
Daddy: oh that you are gonna have a little brother or a little sister?
ALicia: yes
Daddy: yeah its true
Alicia: you cant even take care of the damn kids you got
Daddy: well
ALicia: i fucking hate you

then later he tells me that it is none of my business and that it doesnt concern me at all
i cant help but be jealous of a child that hasnt even been born yet. its gonna have a mother and a father to love it. my dad is gonna do all the things for it that he NEVER did for me or ever WANTED to do for me. i hate him and i hope he rots in hell for all the shit he has put me and my little brother thru over the years. damn him to hell. i only pray that baby has a better life than i ever had.

ha the story of my fucked up life

until later

2:45PM - vamos a ver

overwhelmed
i guess that would be one word to describe my current mental state. i am completely overwhelmed in my life right now. my domestic life is kinda up and down, school is kinda starting to get pretty difficult, all these college applications, all of the friends that i thought would be here for life are slowly drifting away, and then of course its boys!
well it isnt boys...its a boy. a boy that i have grown to care about greatly over the past year. he is a huge part of my life now. and about a month ago, he asked to take it to the next level and i wasnt really ready then. but now i am sooooooo sooooo ready but i dont really know if he still feels the same. and the proud person inside of me is totally scared of rejection so i am also afraid to tell him that i am ready to be in a relationship with him.
but then again...sometimes, i get so frustrated with him because he is naturally a difficult person to deal with. he always has been. i mean everyone knows this. but at times, i just cant help but realize that its mostly directed at me. but then once i really think about it, i realize that it is just his nature. then i figure, "damn alicia!!! you cant be mad at him for the person that he is...especially since you havent addressed the problem directly. since you have never actually sat down and said to him, 'this bothers me a whole lot.'" so i decided that since this guy is so remarkable and obviously really really into me, i need to fix this problem rather than let it eat away at me and make me not like him anymore. because im sure that if i let this one go, i would be making a huge mistake. HUGE! he is so good to me and he cares so much and he is so much fun. and hes just flat out good!!! in more ways than some.

ok with that being said, i think that is the one situation that really overwhelms me. so once i get that one off my chest, i should be alright. back to the usual overwhelming aspects of my life. like this damn zaidman paper that i gotta write for thursday! man o man

until later

2:28PM - WOW!!!

TODAY:
i woke up at 6:15 and got ready for school. met sarah mack with whitney and hung out with our good old friend bud. then we came to school for a spirit committee meeting at 7:45 which was completely pointless. essay in zaidman on some random and damn near impossible poem. but hey, its whateva!!! then we had to get stuff ready for the most amazing pep rally we have ever had at Greenville High and it makes me feel so good to know that i was part of it and that i had a hand in its success.

LATER:
go get my outfit for the game tonight. eat a lil sunin sunin. then go to the house and take a shower and get ready for the game. i am gonna look so fly by the way. then get dressed and do my sweaty hair! ewww!! then me and whitney are gonna meet up with bud again for the 2nd time today. then we are goin to the game. leaving early of course. then we get to meet up with a&e like usual and probably bud too then.

TOMORROW:
wake up at like 8:30 so that i can go to tumbling at 9 til 9:30 then go to flour daniel to set up for the dance. then go take a shower, give myself a pedicure and a manicure. do my hair and make sure my dress and all that is good to go. then i get dressed go to dinner then i get to go to the dance to move my hump!! my hump my hump my hump!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then we are gettin rid of the juniors and goin to hang out with a&e again.

SUNDAY:
i will chill!

wow what a weekend i have ahead of me. i can barely wait. i dont even think i really care about all the homecoming stuff. i just care about hangin out with a&e this weekend. last weekend with them was awesome so i am just sure that this weekend will be just as fun. i love our crew

hoy, en 5th period. hablemos en espanol durante todo la clase. fue muy divertido!

well i guess i will catch up with you later lj!

until later

1:51PM - tgit

hahaha tgit!
thank god its thursday because that means that tomorrow is friday. this weekend is either gonna be really awesome or really terrible! there is no in between. the big homecoming game is tomorrow night and the dance is saturday night. whitney and i are trying to decide if we are gonna hang out with A&E after the dance or stay with our dates. the nice thing to do would be to stay with our dates but we're kinda feelin otherwise!

i really get upset when people dont do for you as you do for them. i mean what the hell?? that makes the least bit of sense. if i do something for you and merely ask for something in return, what the hell makes it so hard for you to do my favor since i just did one for you. AHHH!!!
i hate inconsiderate people! i really really really really x 10000000000000 do!
there is nothing worse in the world...well except for republicans and ignorance. oh wait...those are the same things.

my friends think it is funny and also quite awesome that i have decided to be a one man woman! for once i have only 1 guy and i really really really like him and i dont care to mess with another. what did he do to me?

hoy, en mi clase de espanol, hicimos una actividad. Escribimos sobre las cosas que necesitamos si estare en una isla. No pude pensar sobre las cosas porque necesito mi cell phone y muchas cosas mas! AYY YI YI!!

im gonna see my boo tonight! ya know what that means right?

until later...

2:13PM - briefly

i would just like to say that senior year is not at all what u thought it would be like. the people are all the same. the teachers are so much worse and the school work is redundant!

okay so...i have kinda narrowed it down to like 8 schools in which i am applying to and 5 that i really really really wanna go to:
Florida State
UNC-Chapel Hill
University of GA
USC
C of C
that is it for now but who knows what will happen in that area

so you know i wasn't gonna end this entry without speaking on my love life so here goes!
i just really wish i could read minds at times
because if i did i would know exactly what you're thinkin
when you are with me and staring off into space
or when you pressed your lips against mine
it burdens me to not know exactly how you feel
or do i and its just that you are sick and tired
of telling me and showing me
i made a mistake...
i didn't know what i was doing
i said i didnt have time and that i had to focus
that it would be too big of a distraction
well if its not too late my dear
i would like to change that answer now
from a hesitant NO to a positive yes
i dont want anything else other than to
know that i am yours and you are mine
i miss you when you arent around
and my idle mind is YOUR playground!
you make me feel so different and so whole
unlike any of them before you
i wish i knew A!
A, i wish i knew.
one night you cant stay away
and the next you cant even look at me
i know whats in your heart and i know what you want
but i also know that a girl needs to hear those things
more than just a few times in order for the obvious to
be instilled within her spirit
so can you ask me or tell me once more
and i promise the answer will be the right one this time~

until later

2:21PM

i must say it has been a while. the last time i was on here i think was...may or so!

i guess its good to be back in action except i think live journal has lost its touch. it is no longer interesting anymore!

10:29PM - wow!

this weekend...ha let me just tell you.
shit like this only happens once in a lifetime!

i dont feel like explainin and i am sure everyone will know by tomorrow!
i just wish there was no such thing as gun control!

how could he do this?
it hurts so bad!!!

i cant understand! what changed you...what made you into the person you are today? a few months ago you were fine. you were a normal person. you were full of love. you treated all of your real friends like they were somebody...important. like they meant something to you. but now...its like their nothing. i cant believe you. you are a piece of shit. i hate you...i hate you so much. you are such a waste of time and an incredible asshole~

on a different note...
AHHHH!!! i damn you to hell for what you are doing to my best friend. she means so much to me...and she is so beautiful and so wonderful and so AWESOME in every aspect of life... but you cant see that. instead you see a fake ass ugly blonde bitch. who doesnt even know left from right! i cant believe you!

i cant stand to see her hurt like this...i cant stand to see the strongest friend i have, the one who keeps me sane weak. i cant stand to see those beautiful blue eyes all welled up with tears. i cant stand to see that beautiful smile...all broken. i cant stand it. i hope he suffers big time for what he did to you. i love you hannah louise warth. and you deserve the world. i wish i could give it to you...i wish i could. but all i can offer you is a shoulder to cry on, some arms to hold you, and some words of wisdom. i really hope that's enough. you are so beautiful! i love you!

until later

ps...ALL GUYS SUCK!

2:31PM

to jls
you've hurt me much more than i ever intended to hurt you
i think it hurts me more because it was actually intended
why must you say and do the things you do?
what drives you?
why does it have to be this way?
i thought we could at least be friends
but now, i am disgusted with you
with the thought of you
the smell of you drives me insane
i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
whether we were best friends or lovers
but now...
it couldnt possibly happen
i hope you have a nice life
we had a pledge but i reckon you have forgotten it
you arent much to me anymore
almost nothing but a lost memory
i cant help but to hate you
you did it to me

until later

11:07AM - another quiz

* How well do you know yourself *
Created by jennifer219 and taken 3124 times on bzoink!
* The Basics *
Name:	Alicia
Nicknames:	Weeshwa, Weesh, Leesh, Leesha, Mickey
Birthday:	January 28
Place Of Birth:	Greenville South Carolina
Eye Color:	greenish brown
Body Ills + Skills
Do you bite your nails?	nope
Can you roll your tongue?	yep
Do you have any habits?	smoking
Have you colored your hair?	yep
Do you have any tatoos? Where?	nope
Which Shoe Goes on First?	left
How many cereals are in your cabinet?	two or three or four
Do you Cook?	nope
Grooming
How often do you brush your teeth?	three to four times a day
How often do you shower or bathe?	once or twice a day
Do you swear?	sure nough
Do you mumble to yourself?	at times
Do you swear?	twice?
Do You sleep Walk?	uh uh
Name one thing your obsessed with:	TYRESE
Window seat or aisle?	depends on where i am
Do You Sleep With A Stuffed Animal?	yeah...his name is punctual
Do you fall asleep with the TV or Radio on?	radio
When Was The Last Time You...
Watched Bambi?	uh...i cant remember
Talked on The Phone?	last nite to Greg
Read A book?	the prince of tides for the like 3rd time
Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

GOD I HATE THIS SCHOOL!

10:55AM

The Survey Where You Say The First Word That Comes To Mind. Yay.
Created by -ambiguous and taken 52509 times on bzoink!
What comes to mind when you hear..
..snow?	burrr
..rain?	wet
..tornado?	florida
..summer love?	awww
..Jon?	toilet
..Mike?	prom
..Shea?	butter?
..banana?	hannah
..dizzy?	high
..Laura?	greer?
..Juan?	mexico
..car?	desire
..white?	snow
..peppermint?	superstar
..New Found Glory?	what?
..placebo?	huh?
..orange juice?	sunshiune
..candid camera?	goofy
..sister?	soul
..brother?	eww
..hate?	love
..school?	AHHH!!!
..President?	sucks
..football?	muscles
..rap?	music
..pop?	nsync
..rock?	yeah
..punk?	fag
..sex?	YES
..death?	NO
..baby?	birth
..duuude?	ashton
..the end?	near
Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

I HATE THIS FUCKING SCHOOL AND ALL THESE DAMN PEOPLE IN IT!
I DAMN COACH LUCAS TO HELL!
SINCE WHEN IS SEEING THREADS ON PANTS A DRESS CODE VIOLATION.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BEING AN AMERICAN AND HAVING MY OWN FUCKING RIGHTS!
OH WAIT, THAT NEVER EXISTED!
FUCK GREENVILLE HIGH SCHOOL!

1:23PM

it seems so impossible for things to be that way
for the distant to be unseemingly tangible
for my heart to pound and flutter at an unconstant rate
and for my eyes to be dry at demand, vacant of salty tears
its been so long since i have experienced that feeling
yet it didnt even last as long as it could
i cant recollect what it feels like exactly, it is unfortunately faint
the corners of my mouth pointing...due south. not due north
the thin hair on my arms lies at a rest...they arent standing in attention as they did before
my lips, they're wet but with moisture of my own mouth
my mind still wanders as it did when i felt that way
i spend hours at a time wondering about my fault
wondering how i can change them and bring my bad habits to cease
my hands still trembles as they did after a simple touch
yet they are longing for that simple touch to stop my craving...until then they demand a tremble
my nose tries so hard to grasp the familiar scent
it is of course unknown
that is what i felt like when i was in love
i want to experience that again
soon...very soon